So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
