you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
