Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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