He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
