her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
