It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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