My hand turned me down
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Randomize
