God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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