Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
