Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
