Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
