Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
