Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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