sarcasm needs its own font
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
