should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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