it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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