I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Dear god my vagina.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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