I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
