so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
