just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
