I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
