No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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