Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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