my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
