I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
