She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
