hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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