There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
