tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
