I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
