I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
