So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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