I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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