she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Floor bacon is actually really good
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
