Will you blow on my dice?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
