She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
