smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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