Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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