enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
