I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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