Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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