I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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