Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
