She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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