The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize