I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Randomize
