dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
