I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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