U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
A bitchslap is in order.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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