she smelled like a LAN party
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
