lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
