thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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