I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
