So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
