ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I have already put on my inside pants.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
