When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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