I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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